Can a Cake be 'Too Cakey?'

It’s Tuesday evening, and I am bereft. Bereft, I tell you. For what is there to look forward to, now that The Great British Bake Off has disappeared in a flurry of icing sugar and showstoppers, a tsunami of tears over failed fondant fancies and with everyone flustered by frasiers and friands? Well, everyone apart from alarmingly calm Brendan, who finally cracked at the end, did some crying, and left an enigmatically unfinished sentence about what it would mean to him to win.

This seems to have been the year when everyone I spoke to was obsessed with Bake Off. We all had our favourites, and howled with indignation when they were kicked out. ‘AN ALL-MALE FINAL?’ I shrieked when Danny-the-NHS-Emergency-Consultant was unceremoniously shown the marquee tentflap. Bake Off madness! I had my worries that Mary Berry might be overcome with the testosterone – although given the finalists were John, James and Brendan, I figured she’d probably be able to remain upright.

I was rooting for James to win, as HOW many times was Brendan going to say it was his ambition ‘throughout’ to get to the final? He was starting to sound like he had designs on invading Poland by the end. Also, isn’t it everyone’s ambition throughout to get to the final? I doubt many people go into it thinking, ‘ooh, I’d love to get to week 4, then I’ll have to opt out because I’m shit at pork pies’.

Although I was only rooting for him to win because I thought John (my true fave) was too inconsistent to claim the Golden Bake Off Baguette. My friend Ed was of the opinion that James is totally the person at school who is all, ‘Whevs, hehehe, jokes and larks, I ain’t done no revision’ (the fact that he wasn’t a Cockney – or Russell Brand - notwithstanding), but secretly he was a total swot who craved star baker and that John was class. James’ crucial final bake was basically just a ton of cake with half of Tesco’s fruit selection on top of it. Which I could have made. (As a side note, I did love the idea of a cake being criticised for being ‘too cakey’, though.)

Ed, a man of noted taste, decreed that John must win, and lo, he did! Even though he was clearly the best chap there, (excellent at baking, pretty, clever, seems totally sweet – what more could you ask for - AND I loved his accent! Sigh), I found myself shrieking, ‘WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!’ when the winner was announced. I was worried Brendan was going to kill him and put him under his (gingerbread) patio. It was all too exciting – my friend Claire pointed out the genius piece of editing when ‘Brendan realised James’ showstopper cakes had gone wrong. He looked over to John, in the manner of a man playing Cardinal Wolsley in a BBC drama, as if he were the only figure between him and total domination; cut to three ravens in a tree, one of which flies away. Amazing.’ Accompanied by shots of rain dripping off the bunting – mirroring Brendan’s tears of angsty ambition.

I loved John’s comment about how people thought bakers were all drippy housewives, and actually they were all control freaks who were desperate to be loved; couldn’t help thinking that he’d come up with that based on 10 weeks of hanging out with Brendan, The Macaron Machiavelli.

My only technical problem with the show is that I can’t decide whether you should win based on having been really good throughout (ie James was star baker 3 times, Brendan 2, John only 1) or whether it should all be down to the final push, as it were. Although surely John deserved the win just for using a hairdryer on his showstopper icing. I think Mary and Paul both fancied him, and he had a total flirtathon with Sue, which probably helped. (Can we have Sue and John presenting next year? Mel could do the ‘history’ bits?)

And another unanswered question was, when they all had a group hug, are John and James really tall, or is Brendan incredibly dinky, and he’d actually made that gingerbread house the correct size for him to have as a holiday cottage?

Anyway, I must confess, I’d got so over-involved that I got rather emotional about it - especially when John said he just wanted to make his mum proud and his family all seemed rather unsupportive (the subtext of which appeared to be: I am disappointed you’re gay. Why are you doing all this baking? That’s TOTALLY GAY). I wanted to shake his mum and go, ‘Why are you not proud of him? He’s amazing! The whole bloomin’ country loves him!’ AND HE GOT A FIRST IN HIS LAW DEGREE. WHILST DOING ALL THIS BLOODY BAKING.

I’m still bemused by this idea that James is a fox, though. He just wears funny jumpers and is a bit Scottish. Maybe people who like baking shows have more homely tastes. ‘Daniel Craig? Oh no, I bet he couldn’t make a profiterole to save his life – give me one of those baking boys any day’. I’d also be a bit wary of having him as my doctor, given his ‘I’m making Turkish Delight for the first time! It’s the final, why not?’ approach. I have a vision of him trundling into surgery, merrily burbling, ‘Appendectomy? Well, yeah, haven’t tried that before today, but let’s just see how it goes! Oops, I’ve dropped a crucial bit on the floor’.

As a special treat, and to save us all from withdrawal symptoms, can we have a special bake off challenge as part of this year’s Apprentice, just so we can have Mary and Paul back on telly again being judgy? I think Mary could try flirting with Nick Hewer, and I’d like to see Paul (whom Claire has dubbed ‘the Christian Grey of Baking’) face off with Karren Brady. ‘Go on, have some of this bakewell tart, it’s delicious’. ‘No, Paul, I can’t, I can barely fit into this pencil skirt as it is!’ ‘Come on, Karren, live a little! I’ve kneaded this dough over here for you specially’ *Karren blushes violently and goes a bit wibbly*

Or Mary and Paul leading teams of rival bakers for a Comic Relief Apprentice? C’mon LordSirAlan Sugar – the clue’s right there in your name…