One to go, please

I know I'm late to the party with this, as with so many things in life (jeans, gadgets, broadband - finally got some fitted [?! See, I don't even know the terminology for that - connected, I suppose] last week, relationships, the list is quite long), but what the hell is going on with coffee these days?

Time was, having coffee meant slinging a teaspoon full of Nescafe or, heaven forbid, Mellow Birds, into a mug, pouring on some boiling water and adding milk. Plus sugar if you wanted to be really fancy. Having coffee was fancy enough, really, in a land that basically ran on tea. I remember when I was in the Sixth Form, I used to go once a week for an S-Level English class at which the teacher would serve up Proper Coffee. It took me weeks to work out why, after these sessions, for half an hour I would feel manic, and like I could take over the world and then for the next two hours I would feel crashingly depressed and like I wanted to write lots of Sylvia Plath-style poetry and listen to the Sisters of Mercy. To be fair, it probably wasn't entirely the peaks and troughs of caffeine consumption that were to blame - I was, after all, seventeen and it was 1987. Which explains both the poetry and the Sisters of Mercy (I maintain everyone should go through a bit of a Goth stage, though, if only for the relief of eventually giving up leggings, velvet and clumpy boots. And the constant life stance that 'no one understands meeeeee'.)

Having coffee that wasn't freeze dried seemed pretty sophisticated to me. But then came the explosion of coffee outlets. Like The Day of the Triffids, I woke up one day and they were everywhere: Costa, Coffee Republic, Caffe Nero and of course the biggest Triffid of them all, Starbucks. Suddenly everyone was drinking cappuccino. There was barely a hot beverage to be found that wasn't bedecked with foam and cocoa powder. Most of it didn't taste that much like coffee, but gosh it made you feel grown up. And sort of European. A bit glamorous. A bit New York, if you had one 'to go'. It made you feel, at some level, important.

As more of these places sprung up, they had to try to differentiate themselves by providing you with options. 'We have Espressos, Americanos and Cappuccinos' said Costa. 'Screw you, Costa, we have all those, plus MACCHIATOS and LATTES' boasted Starbucks, opening another three branches per second in the South Kensington area. And having options, as we all know, leads to snobbery and superiority. Espresso drinkers look down on those who love a latte. I tend to look on a cappuccino as a pudding in a restaurant when I don't really want a pud, rather than an actual coffee. The idea of a decaf cappuccino is, however, beyond the pale. Only a decaf latte would be worse (so you don't like either the taste, or the effect of coffee? Have a Horlicks, for fuck's sake!) 

But now it is ridiculous. Starbucks don't have small, medium or large (to be fair, no-one does, but their nomenclature particularly irks me) - they have 'tall' (since when is 'tall' a synonym for 'small'? NEVER), 'grande' and 'vente'. 'Vente' for some reason always makes me think of a volcano exploding. I don't want a volcano's worth of hot beverage, especially one that's generally as weedy as Starbucks'. I'd rather they called it 'mug', 'watering can' and 'bucket'. It would be more honest, especially given their over-enthusiastic pricing. I thought I knew just about where I was with coffee ordering - it breaks down as follows:
Espresso - much like sports cars, mainly ordered by men with something to prove
Cappuccinos - bit of coffee, loads of froth. Room for artistry with cocoa on the top. A stupid drink, unless you want to try to look seductive by licking froth off a spoon. Approach with care - you're as likely to get froth on the end of your nose or end up with a cocoa moustache
Americano - just a straight coffee. Although watch out if you try and order one in Canada - when I went, I kept being asked if I wanted filter coffee or an Americano (aren't they the same thing?) and every time I asked for a 'white Americano', everyone recoiled as if I'd said 'Hi, I'm a member of the Klan, can I have a Koffee to go?' Requesting a 'black' or 'white' coffee is simply not allowed - you have to request it either with or without milk if you don't want people to regard you as a massive racist
A flat white - this seems to be an Americano for which you can, inexplicably, charge me an extra 50p. It also only comes in one size. No idea what the deal is here, especially as regards...
...Macchiato - an espresso with a dash of milk. The fact that someone in Starbucks today ordered a 'grande' size is perplexing - does that mean you want a tiny drink in a massive cup?
Latte - a milky drink for those who hate coffee, which is inevitably stone cold, unless you actively ask for it to be hot. Infuriating

There are probably about a billion more (with whole marketing teams being told to raid the Italian dictionary for new terms), but today's nearly drove me over the edge. Someone in Starbucks today ordered a wet latte. What, and indeed, the fuck is that? You've ordered a coffee, which by its nature, is wet. How much wetter can it be? Does the guy making it for you have to stand outside in the rain for a bit with your cup? Does it incorporate more watery water? Watered-down milk? A little towelette to wipe your hands and face with afterwards? Never mind arts funding cuts, shutting the libraries and making us pay more tax - I want this coffee madness stopped. Remove the funding for these ridiculous monickers - if we're only really allowed a choice of three politcal parties, then I don't see why we're allowed any more with coffee. You can have strong, less strong or foamy, and that's it.