Money for nothing

As a person who watches too much telly, most of it entirely unedifying, I've often wondered if I should make the move into, y'know, creating it. Then I could be one of those women who race around with statement handbags and hair that costs £100 every time they go to the 'salon', and I'd probably have a wacky posho name like Cressida and I'd be able to refer to TV presenters as 'The Talent' without either having to put ironic air quotes round that phrase every time I uttered it, or cracking up with inappropriate laughter. I mean, seriously, 'The Talent' really puts the 'moron' into 'oxymoronic' for most of them.

Having been at meetings with a few independent TV companies, I've come to the conclusion that there are two methods for creating TV shows: take a reality format, in which you've featured ordinary people, and do the 'celebrity' version of it. (Viewing figures will have established people like your show; everyone likes celebs, no matter who the hell they are/aren't - you're onto a winner). Or, come up with a workable pun, and then imagine a format idea that might fit it.

The best one I had pitched to me was: 'OK, so we're in a recession, right, but people still want to have nice homes. In fact, they want to have nicer homes now, because they can't afford to go out and they can't afford to move. So, for this programme, right, we save money AND we give people better homes. What we do is, we get someone who's really good at making things, like curtains, and cushions, and tarting up old bits of furniture that you'd otherwise throw out, and we get them to live with someone for a week. And they re-do their house, with stuff they've already got!'

'Oh, I see', I said. 'What's the name of this show going to be then?'
'The Artful Lodger', they replied.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Anyhoo, last week I decided I definitely could work in telly because I and my cohorts came up with three CRACKING formats. One of our authors was trying to think of a celeb reality format for one of his characters, a celeb who was down on his luck and trying desperately to revive his career (does celeb reality contain anyone who doesn't fit that bill?) He was aiming for a show of barrel-scraping awfulness, and had come up with Celebrity Pot Black. Whilst thinking this sounded like a show that had actually been on at the end of the 80s, I told his editor that it wasn't really hitting the mark. Not out-there enough to be funny; too boring to be conceivably commissioned. Although that BBC3 show, where 'celebs' had to live with pigs or something? Clearly commissioned by a farmer who'd been given an internship for a week.

'Right', said my editor, 'you'd better come up with something better then.' 'Done!' I shouted, giddier with excitement than Alan Yentob when they declared him top of the Important and Relevant BBC Presenter Tree not long ago. And so behold, what I have done: I've made a better world for everyone (spot the obscure pop reference!) I give you, with an Alan Partridge-esque drum roll:

Celebrity ER - mentored by a selection of junior doctors, celebrities do 18-hour shifts trying to patch up drunks after Friday night punch-ups; shouting 'CLEAR!' when a civilian's flatlining, and, if they survive the voting process, triumphing by rooting out a bullet with a biro and saving the life of a gang member from Brixton, whilst bellowing 'HANG ON, BRO!' and demonstrating rare flashes of hitherto concealed humanity.

Celebrity Prison Break - a revived version of the infamous Stanford University experiment, celebrities are randomly divided into groups of prisoners and warders. Whilst seeing how quickly the warders become mildless brutes intent on demeaning their charges - and how far they'll go to accrue 'points' - the prisoners must also try to escape, using teamwork, their innate paparazzi-dodging cunning and Twitter.

Celebs Under Fire - this is the one that I think will definitely be commissioned. Ross Kemp presents a 10-week series in which a bunch of celebrity wimps, numpties and so-called hard men (ie Vinnie Jones) are shouted at, denied sleep for days, forced to tunnel under barbed wire in the mud whilst being fired at, and otherwise 'trained' by the SAS. The winner receives a 6-month tour of duty in Helmand, possibly with Prince Harry, but definitely filmed for a Sky One documentary (presented by Ross Kemp).