Safety first

So, there is all manner of hoo-ha at the moment about terrorist threats, international security and the like. There must be loads of new schemes, plans, checklists, etc to deal with all this, presumably? Not according to the Evening Standard, who went with a big front page splash not long ago, which declared: HEATHROW STAFF TAUGHT TO LOOK AT BODY LANGUAGE: ACTING NERVOUSLY OR GRIPPING A BAG ARE TELL-TALE SIGNS. Yes, a 'specialist counter-terrorist team' (headed up by Jack Bauer? One can only hope), is pioneering a new technique using 'behavioural science' to detect a threat by analysing travellers' facial expressions and conduct.

Seriously, what on earth were they looking for up to this point? A rucksack with wires sticking out of it making an ominous ticking noise, with 'Bomb' written on it in Tippex? The Standard tried to reassure its readers by describing this new policy as 'a ground-breaking move', thus proving its total idiocy. Apparently, if it's successful at Heathrow, it might even be 'extended to other UK airports'. So it takes a bunch of advisors and policy makers to roll out common sense?

Even a 'police source' was quoted as saying, 'It's not rocket science... It's a bit like undercover officers who target pickpockets. After a while they can spot them immediately as they behave slightly differently from average commuters'. Gosh, really? D'you think if you were in possession of explosives you were going to try to detonate you might look a bit jittery too?

Well, knowledge is power, so we can all try to gain valuable levels of expertise in this area, and help out the authorities. Here's what to look for - according to the Standard's experts, you want to give anyone demonstrating the following a wide berth:
1/ Wearing heavy clothing whatever the season. Long coats or skirts may be used to conceal explosive belts and devices
2/ The appearance of being drugged
3/ Bags or backpacks. The bomber holds his or her bag tightly and may refuse to be separated from it
4/ A hand in a pocket tightly gripping something. This could be someone clutching a detonator
5/ Nervous behaviour, avoiding eye contact

What a relief! Apparently, the greatest threats to national security are either old ladies off their nuts on Valium, clutching their house keys in their pockets and their bags under their arms, terrified of being mugged by hoodies... or female Goths.