Tans and Tango, Sequins and Samba

The nights are drawing in and the shops have been full of Christmas shit for at least a month. My local 'department' store put in their Christmas window display before they'd even done Hallowe'en or Bonfire Night. Madness. I'm trying to ignore it (whilst working in the West End - good luck with that). But on the bright side, it means we are in FULL Strictly Come Dancing flow. Which means my Saturday and Sunday nights have televisual entertainment on tap if I'm staying in. Plus I also indulge in all the behind-the-scenes shenanigans by catching up with It Takes Two on a nightly basis. By the end of each series, I feel like I could genuinely do actual dancing, as I have absorbed so much technical knowledge. Then I find myself at the office Christmas party and acknowledge that I still have two left feet and very little rhythm and go back to gazing, slack-jawed, at the telly, where people can segue from a samba to a waltz without tripping over their own ankles. Whilst remembering what they're supposed to be doing with their arms.

So, for fun, as per my Bake Off blog, how did I fare on my predictions as to who’s on Strictly this year?

1/ Really old one who’ll get a sympathy vote for 3 weeks then go – [previously: Johnny Ball, David Dickinson, Dennis Taylor, Paul Daniels, Tony Jacklin]

Bargain Hunt’s Tim Wonnacott was bravely steered around the dancefloor by a beaming Natalie, who looked genuinely thrilled to have him as her partner. Perhaps because she acknowledges the fact that only being in it for 3 weeks affords you (presumably) the same fee, but guarantees a massive amount of free time the moment you’re out. *Lie-in face*

Take note, Aliona, who looked absolutely gutted to be paired with Gregg Wallace (as well she might, he’s always struck me as totally unbearable). She promptly choreographed their first dance to involve as little physical contact as possible whilst staying within the rules, and topped off her outfit with a pair of elbow-length gloves just to make sure. Even though he wasn’t, by a long shot, the worst dancer, Gregg got the boot first.

2/Really overweight one who will either be so disastrous the nation will keep them in for an unnecessarily long time, for a laugh, or who will be surprisingly good – [previously: Lisa Riley, Mark Benton, Russell Grant,  John Sergeant, Ann Widdicombe]

Unlike the year before last’s Lisa Riley, who I thought was a good dancer, Alison Hammond was actually pretty shit (incredibly flat footed), but has seven peoples’ personality wedged into one body, and was dancing with Beaming Supremo Aljaz, which takes everyone’s minds off what’s going on below her waistline.

I think everyone was voting for him; he’s very handsome, works some alarmingly tight trousers, and, as mentioned, is constantly grinning his head off in a very winning way. I love him. Even though I was bored of her, I’d have preferred her to ‘go to BLACKPOOL’, rather than Judy. I also found out, via It Takes Two (yup, as mentioned, I’m a proper geek for this shit) that Beaming Aljaz is TWENTY FOUR. Seriously? I thought he was in his early 30s! He should’ve been paired with Caroline Flack, she loves a younger chap. Twenty. Four. God. 

3/ Young woman you’ve probably never heard of if you don’t watch soaps, who used to be on Hollyoaks/Emmerdale/Eastenders/Corrie – [previously: Ali Bastian, Louisa Lytton, Dani Harmer, Natalie Cassidy, Tina O’Brien, Chelsee Healey]

I don’t think I can really plump for Sunetra Sarker (Holby City) for this spot (possibly because even though I don’t watch HC, I’ve seen her in other things; the usual soap lovelies they get are very young and have risen to fame through the one show that they’re on.) So it’s going to have to be the double whammy of ‘Pop Princess’ (URRRRGH) Pixie Lott and The Saturdays’ Frankie. Who seems to be introduced as ‘From the Saturdays, Frankie Bridge!’ rather than having to be a Pop Princess. Maybe there’s only room for one PP. Plus, Frankie’s married to a footballer, and has a small child, which clearly makes her more of a laydee than Pixie. At any rate, I’ve never been able to stand Pixie Lott (stupid name, looks like a spoilt brat) and she’s been dancing since she was about 5, so none of it seems particularly tricky for her. As I know I’d find it near impossible to do even the simplest step on Strictly, my favourites are always the ones who are a bit shonky at the beginning, then suddenly become ace.

Having said that, even though I think Frankie is a tiny bit bland, she’s great at dancing and is with the lovely Kevin From Grimsby (whose surname is ‘Clifton’ – which has led me to believe that the production team wanted to get a ‘Clifton Bridge’ naming gag going, but no one else seems to have taken this up). I love KFG too and have decided that when I am randomly famous, and allowed to go on the show, I’d like him to be my teacher, please. He seems unfailingly patient and smiley. Plus: unexpectedly foxy when wearing specs, as he’s more slight than most of the others, giving him a bit of a nerdy vibe.  I’d have to be paired with him, rather than any of the more conventionally handsome pros, as otherwise I’d just spend all day blushing furiously, rather than managing to do any actual dancing.

4/ Person who is famous for literally one thing – mainly being in a Bond film/married to someone more famous but who refused to do it – [previously: Colin Salmon, Fiona Fullerton, Penny Lancaster, Jo Wood, Nancy Dell’Olio and I’m going to stick Pamela Stephenson in there too, as they constantly banged on about Billy Connolly, despite the fact she’s got a career of her own.]

I reckon Judy Murray can claim this slot. She does have a career in her own right, but she’s mainly known to The Viewing Public for being Andy Murray’s mum. The only way this could’ve been a better booking is if they’d got Andy’s girlfriend, Kim Sears on instead, of whom people know even less. She’s like a WAG Sphinx, is our Kim. Judy was inexplicably still in the running till BLACKPOOL, despite the double whammy of being partnered by Boredom-on-a-Stick Anton du Beke, and dancing as though she was encased in slowly drying concrete. She seemed, however, on my viewings of It Takes Two, to be loving it all, gamely admitting that she’s a rubbish dancer, and shrugging off the judges’ criticism with a big smile each week.

I think she might be the person who, weirdly, has got the most out of it. She seemed like she was doing it because she was a huge fan of the show, and she thought it’d be fun. I’ve certainly always thought she looked really stern, with no sense of humour (although God knows, Andy Murray has a sense of humour that’s drier than the Kalahari, he must’ve got it from somewhere), so I’m pleased that she’s kind of a quiet hoot. Hats off to her, can’t be easy going out every week knowing that you’re going to be bottom of the leader board and having to take it with good grace. I’d be in floods of angsty, frustrated tears.

5/ Man/woman who is currently on BBC Breakfast/ITV equivalent and thus has to do nearly 3 days’ work every day with the training, whilst promoting Strictly every morning – [previously Natasha Kaplinsky, Bill Turnbull, Kate Garraway, Susannah Reid, Chris Hollins, Christine Bleakley, Matt Baker. Matt gets extra props for being on both The One Show and Countryfile, so having to fit in LOCATION WORK and chatting up farmers, as well as everything else.]

I’m giving this to Scott Mills. Arguably being on the radio is less taxing than being on BBC Breakfast/The One Show, but as he’s still on Radio 1, I’m assuming that pretending to care about Young People’s Music is taxing in and of itself. (I’ve just Googled him – HE IS FORTY. Weren’t they culling anyone over thirty when they got rid of Chris Moyles a few years back? How did he escape the net? Put in a call to the head of Radio 2, Scott, you’ll feel ten years younger.)

For some reason, when I did listen to Radio 1, I always liked him. And even though he was all kinds of dis-aaaa-strous at this, I liked him on Strictly too. Scott not only danced like he had two left feet, but as though they’d both been put on backwards. He managed the extraordinary feat of being a DJ with no discernible sense of rhythm. Sometimes, these types of dancers are literally going through the motions to pick up the paycheque (I’m looking at you, Jerry Hall, and you, Nancy Dell’Olio). But Scott really did seem like he was trying, and putting in as many hours as possible to train. I’m glad he’s out, as it was becoming more and more painful watching him get a kicking from the judges each week (he didn’t have the knack of laughing it off that Judy has), but as my old personal trainer used to say, ‘God loves a trier’, so I hope he enjoyed it at least a bit.

There is also an annual Random Sports Guy – [previously Mark Ramprakash, Matt Dawson, Louis Smith, Ben Cohen, Colin Jackson, Darren Gough, Robbie Savage]

Once they’ve got over the embarrassment of fake tan, oceans of spangled, very tightly fitting shirts and trousers and having to fling their hips around, the RSGs often go on to win. I suspect because they are used to being coached, putting in hours of repetitive training, pretty single minded and highly competitive. It also helps that they’re generally muscle-bound, thus gaining the ‘gays ‘n’ gals’ votes and can manage the lifts, and start off having never done any dancing, so tick the ‘journey’ box as well.

There are a few of them, though, who are a tad lacking on the personality front, which is, I think, what did for this year’s RSG, Rugby Thom. He was, in theory, ridiculously handsome. But unfortunately he seemed to be only marginally more interesting than Dancing Wardrobe Gavin Henson from a few years back, and remained resolutely unsexy throughout, even though he was paired up with Human Firework Iveta. He got kicked into touch and sent for an early bath surprisingly early on (ha! See what I did there? SPORTS REFERENCES.)

So, even though I’ve forgotten about the first tranche of people to be binned already (Jennifer Gibney, anyone?), it still seems like there are loads of them in the mix. Who’s waltzing to a win or tangoing to the top so far? As per the show, in no particular order:

Caroline Flack. Thought I’d hate her (telly presenter most famous for going out with teen click-bait Harry Styles – this still perplexes me; wasn’t he pretty close to being an actual child at the time?) But she’s a really good dancer, has amazing legs and it doesn’t hurt that she’s paired up with Pasha (swoon). What can I say, she just seems nice and like you’d have a good time if you went to the pub with her.

‘Clifton Bridge’ (I’m going to make this a thing, dammit). As above, nailing the dancing, and is the kind of girl that because she’s just ‘nice’, people tend to vote for. As per last year’s winner, Abbey Clancy. Couldn’t see why everyone loved her, personally, as her voice sounded like the proverbial nails on a chalkboard, but technically she was very good. And: ALJAZ.

Mark Wright. Oh, I know. Believe me, I know. I don’t watch TOWIE, so I don’t know why I’m supposed to hate him (just because he’s probably not very bright? That’s half the people on TV these days). It’s not like I suddenly fancy him, or would vote for him, he’s just surprisingly good at dancing. Points based on that alone.

Jake Wood. I don’t watch Eastenders, so had no idea who he was. He’s sort of bald and gingery, so didn’t look immediately promising. But lord almighty, he is bloody brilliant. He’s the one I actually look forward to seeing every week. He seems quite bewildered by the idea that he’s good, and is generally almost monosyllabic in the VTs and interviews, but not in a dislikeable way. He just seems like a quiet, modest bloke who’s not going to get all excitable because the producers want him to. I’d love to see him in the final, and if he can pull a ‘Chris Hollins’ (ie bang on about how much he wants to win for the sake of his partner), then he’ll probably win.

He’s also being very understated about the ‘OMG, my life is so hard’ aspects of having to learn lines, film all day, learn how to dance, pole up for It Takes Two once a week, get fitted for costumes, etc and be a dad. I do have a slight worry that as he’s really good, but is also so non-jazz hands, that he’ll be a shock ‘bottom two’ at some stage. Hope I’m wrong on that. It’d be nice for another chap to win, and he ticks a lot of the usual Strictly voting boxes: he’s working, essentially, two full-time jobs, has never danced before, seems a nice man, has a family he can wheel out (very cute kids). Go, Jake, do it for the gingery bald blokes! But really, as long as the Midwich Cuckoos pairing of Pixie and Trent don’t win (she’s been dancing since she was five – boooo! They look like they’re brother and sister, so it’s creepy when they have to do ‘sexy’), I’ll be happy whatever the result.